Question from April Broussard:
I have a problem that I thought the women of the Mom's Resource might
be able to help with.
My little boy is 11 months old and very energetic at the house, at the
playground, and--the problem--at Mass. My husband and I feel like we
haven't really "heard" a homily since he was four months old and still
sleeping most of the day. We've tried quiet toys, snacks, and all
matter of distraction, but he just won't be still or quiet. I know we
can't expect him to pay attention to the service, but we'd like to at
least get him to sit and play quietly so WE can listen.... We think
the main issue is that he is enamoured with all the people around us
at Mass. Even his favorite--or "new"--toys don't interest him because
he's too busy trying to touch the little girl in the pew ahead of us
or smile and talk to the elderly man across the aisle. I'm looking for
any helpful suggestions on how to contain him or--if nothing
else--testimony that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! :) He
will EVENTUALLY be able to sit for an hour, right?
Thanks so much!
April Broussard
I have a problem that I thought the women of the Mom's Resource might
be able to help with.
My little boy is 11 months old and very energetic at the house, at the
playground, and--the problem--at Mass. My husband and I feel like we
haven't really "heard" a homily since he was four months old and still
sleeping most of the day. We've tried quiet toys, snacks, and all
matter of distraction, but he just won't be still or quiet. I know we
can't expect him to pay attention to the service, but we'd like to at
least get him to sit and play quietly so WE can listen.... We think
the main issue is that he is enamoured with all the people around us
at Mass. Even his favorite--or "new"--toys don't interest him because
he's too busy trying to touch the little girl in the pew ahead of us
or smile and talk to the elderly man across the aisle. I'm looking for
any helpful suggestions on how to contain him or--if nothing
else--testimony that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! :) He
will EVENTUALLY be able to sit for an hour, right?
Thanks so much!
April Broussard
10 comments:
HI April-
I totally feel your pain - I could have written the same email you did! I have two boys (3.5 and 2) and it has DEFINITELY been a struggle!! But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!! I think part of this depends on each child's temperament, but my 3.5 year old has finally learned to sit pretty quietly during mass. He doesn't always sit completely still, but for the most part is quiet. He flips through the misselette and the song books. We also tried church books, church puzzles, coloring stuff and sippy cups: in our opinion nothing worked and ultimately only made things worse. For us, the less "outside" distractions the better, as the toys,books, etc. meant to help keep the boys quiet only firmed in their minds the idea that church was just another "play time"...anyway, persistence and time worked for my 3.5 year old. (oh, and as he's gotten older, incentives have worked really well too. Usually we tell the boys we will stop at starbucks on the way home and they may have a donut if they behave during mass) Now, my 2 year old...UGH!! He's a completely different kid and I can't say we've figured out exactly what works for him yet...incentives work some of the time, distractions work some of the time (he likes to figure things out, so we let him try to take our watches off or play with my jewelry) but usually my husband ends up having to walk around with him - he's definitely in the "manipulative stage" and knows that in public, especially at Church, he has the upper hand. I do try to show the kids that they are not the center of the mass, the Eucharist is and what is happening on the alter is what is most important, so I try to "ignore" petty, little things, but major distractions we do not tolerate and usually end up removing the child.
I was recently reminded by a friend that even despite the difficulty you are experiencing getting to and through mass right now, you are still receiving all the graces (and possibly more) that you get from going to mass. And your sacrifice may even be more meaningful than someone who does not have as much to deal with. Keep at it! Your son will learn with time that mass is a quiet time.
Good Luck!
Good suggestions, Celina. I had a similar sitch when Pat was about 11months... but we made some major changes and not Pat(2) and Nate(1) for the most part sit with us in the pews for the whole time. Things we changed:
1)we do not take the kids to the back of hte church where the other kids are who are misbehaving. When we did, ours would jsut want to join in the chaos.
2)We never did and still dont bring food with us to mass for them.
3)Nate has a teething ring and when that bores him, I interest in in my necklace or Mike's watch. (like Celina)
4)WHen training them to be "STILL" Mike(my husband) is the one who holds the kid in training. The kid is only allowed on the lap and never on the pew or kneeler. When he tries to wiggle out, Mike squeezes tight to show taht there is litterally no wiggle room. If the kid fusses a bit- so be it- the key that really worked for us was NOT taking them to the kids room--bc that is what hte kid wanted anyway. IF we have to remove ourselves from the pew, then Mike takes him to the bathroom- and speaks to him very sternly... and if need be SPLASHES water on his face for effect and then comes straight back to the pew.
Sounds crazy- but it has worked for us-- and with 2 boys we have had few major problem days.
5) Also, like Celina: no "donoughts" after church if they are bad. I know 11 months might not process that-- but they will soon enough!
Good luck! I bet you are going to get many different responses on how to handle this, which is great. YOu will find one that fits your parenting style.
We may be light weights but our kids don't come to Mass with us until thy are old enough to behave with relative control--for Joey, this was about 2.5 years---Liam is 1.5 and far from church worthy. The only time Pat and I go to church together is if someone else has the kids or if it is a very special occasion--in which cases--Pat does whatever it takes to stop Liam from letting out high pitched screams, charging the altar, or malling innocent children. Unfortunately, Liam brings out worse behavior in Joey who would otherwise behave.
Another key thing to think about is to go to the mass that works best for your child's time frame even if it means a bigger sacrifice for the dad and mom...
We would love to have lazy Sunday mornings- but find that Simon (2) behaves much much better at earlier masses like at 9am after a breakfast Instead of the noon mass (or now 12:30 -even worse since our move) that cuts into lunch/nap routines..and he is a lion during that mass.
But usually -if we time it right- he sits, stands, kneels, sings with the rest of us--- and he saw one family hold hands during the Our Father once and now insists upon that.
Also- we try to avoid sitting directly in front of or behind families with kids--- he just wants to chat away...and sometimes they have different parenting styles that might inspire "wants" that then inspire tantrums during the homily.
We tried the "sit in front" method once--- it just meant the same scene but with a larger audience. Some people swear by that method though...they say it helps to focus the child on the mass more...
That is good advice, Ann. When Nate was still doing his morning nap at 9 am, we were all going to 7:30am Mass for about a year. Something I never thought I would do! We figured we were up anyway, might as well. IT is amazing that you can shower, dress, and feed kids breakfast adn still make it to 7:30 mass. Then we would come home just in time for Nate's nap!
Yeah, you have to try out a few different techniques and see what works for your kid (I like the mass time idea, Ann and Ellen). Although my kids are very affectionate and social, it works better for them to be by other kids b/c they get mezmorized by them...I suppose the key for us is that the kids they are mesmorized by are sitting quietly..I usually try to find a family with slightly older kids b/c they're less likely to be doing things that I don't want my kids to do but they are still more "interesting" to my boys than adults.
Thank you, ladies! I'm going to try a few of your ideas and see what works this weekend--maybe the sitting up front.... I think you may be right about the timing.... We've been trying to convince ourselves that he might sleep through Mass if we took him during his typical nap time, but I don't think we can fool ourselves any longer. Thankfully, he is not one to throw tantrums when he is tired--he just gets a little more active, but he's still happy. He's usually asleep in his seat before we ever pull out of the church parking lot!
A wonderful priest also told me that even if you're in the back (or outside as the case may be) and you can't hear a single thing - pray for your kids! Pray for their friends! Pray for other moms and dads! You're still at Mass getting grace and praying for whatever intention pops into your head (even if it's God help me not smack my kids upside their heads:)is a wonderful way to be present at Mass even if you're not actually, well, present. That being said, Jack and Nora are 2 1/2 and we almost NEVER try to take them to church. It just isn't worth it. I always end up seeing nice well-behaved families (probably yours, Ellen) and getting discouraged!
Just wanted to post an update after this morning's Mass: We decided on the 7:30 because it's usually one of Jay's happier times of the day (he wakes at 6:30 and naps at 9:00) and because we figured that there would be fewer kids there to distract him. We actually ended up in the children's room with only two other families, and it was WONDERFUL! The other families came in late, so until they arrived, Jay sat quietly and looked through the glass at the people in the santuary. Then, he stayed quiet and played with the lid to his cereal bowl and my necklace. He was AWESOME! I'm not sure what it was--the time, the fewer distractions, the snack (or our prayers), but we'll definitely be repeating that experiment to test it's results! I finally heard the homily!
i am so glad! I never thought I would be a 7:30 Sunday regular--- but kids change everything!
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